The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site |
Windowlicking: The New Plague
Now, you may be thinking, is this not the lick of death that is foretold in Mafia folklore? Should this writer cower in fear when, in the future, she passes pizza outlets? No, this was not the lick of death. The lick of death uses only the tip of the tongue while this was a full frontal lick, one that exposed every taste bud to the horror that is my window. What would prompt a sane man to press his tongue on a window that has previously carried such substances as bird droppings, car wax, and gum? Idiocy: The scourge of the nation.
Since that time I have come to the unpopular but obviously correct conclusion that idiocy is on the rise and there is only one possible cause. It’s a virus. A virus that even the arguably intelligent can catch at any given time only, in this man’s case, he has gone chronic. When a Nobel Prize winner blows over the legal limit for DWI or a grade six teacher falls in love with a student, blame it on the virus.
But what can be done? A nutritionally sound diet, exercise and healthy, clean living doesn’t seem to stem the spread of this illness. (Although, considerable amounts of red meat, cigarettes, and alcohol might prevent it. Studies are in progress at this time on bohemian coffee–shop types who spent their days smoking, drinking, discussing why everyone else in society is so ignorant, and wondering why they seem oblivious to the lure of the Spice Girls.)
Very few of us are immune to this insidious parasite. The symptoms are easy to spot: reveling in the misery of others, participating in the most inane trends advertisers are shoving down our throats, and behaving egocentrically. Some have argued that we are all infected as adolescents, with some becoming chronic cases that plague us through life, resulting in incarceration, commitment, and huge contracts with major league sports teams or record producers.
This virus is the key reason that People Magazine continues to flourish while "Spy" and "21C” have gone out of business. In recent years it has spread to members of the publishing industry, once thought immune, where huge sums of money are thrown at celebrities for instant biographies, and members of the recording industry, who offer every pre-packaged band wads of cash to spray their fresh faces or bad reputations all over the tabloids. Movie producers have had it for years -- some theorise that the virus started in Hollywood, calling for a quarantine of California in general -- paying unthinkable sums of money for "talent", while ignoring the basic movie story line. It doesn’t really matter though, the public has it too, which explains the continued interest in books such as Puff Daddy’s autobiography and opening night box office receipts for movies like "Starship Troopers."
Symptomatically, failure to question the status quo is the least of our problems. Narcissism is the true cause of most of our problems as a society: road rage, child abuse, addiction issues, and adolescents acting out all stem from a failure of the infected to consider the feelings of others before behaving. From the woman who stands in the "fifteen items or less" line in Safeway with twenty–three items, hoping no one will notice, to the adolescent who brings a gun to school, this virus has worked its way into our society on a wholesale level. Everyone is "special" now, with the unique delineated by gender, sexual orientation, disease of the week, and mental status. As a result, no one needs to worry about the other people out there; you’re so special that nothing should stop you from doing what you really want to do. Good Samaritan laws, forcing innocent bystanders to offer help to those in need, are an attempt to legislate the consideration of others in a possible attempt to arrest the effects of idiocy, to no avail. There are times when personal interest is overridden by the needs of the few, such as when a child needs a bone marrow transplant, but otherwise the call of the public is for less welfare for the needy, lower Medicare costs, and fewer programs to help those who truly require charitable assistance.
How to know if you are infected? If you accept the concept that celebrities are good and fine people because of their position in life, find yourself in a book store holding Jenny McCarthy’s autobiography, honestly believe that a Ginsu knife can change your life, or think that Beanie Babies are a sound investment for your retirement, you’re one of the millions with chronic idiocy. What to do? Take a healthy dose of reality and check back with me in the morning.
©Susan Barclay, DdD (Doctor of Denizens of the Deep)
ABOUT the author:
Susan Barclay Nichols lives and writes in Chilliwack, British Columbia. She spends most of her time writing about Sea Monkeys, tending to her Sea Monkeys, mourning the deaths of her Sea Monkeys, and writing little songs about cheese (not available in any stores, but if you act now you can get Susan’s entire collection of cheese–related songs in addition to her little songs about monkey...)
BTW: Susan says that this is a true story, the window being licked...As she says, "I still have the marks on the passenger side window....."
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking Sites.
It helps give the page "votes" and it helps you find this page later on!
©Margie Culbertson
Back to The Humor and Life, in Particular Home Page