The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author: Margie Culbertson
October/November 2009 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Short Humor!
Small Plot of Land in Moroccan Mountains Discovered to be the Source of Atlantic Hurricanes By
Scientist Encounter A Chaotic Whirl–Wind of No Comments
For decades, Scientists suspected that the origin of Atlantic hurricanes lay concealed under the dry dusty air of North Africa. Now a recent discovery has blown away the haze of mystery surrounding hurricane"s birth and left the scientific and meteorology community in wonder and uproar. According to Facebook accounts, a group of graduate student researchers from Kentucky State University and Casablanca"s Arabic Numerals, Devout Algebra, and Devoted Functions Institute have discovered a nine hectare plot of land in the mountains of Morocco which they claim, "with 95% statistical confidence and complete devout faith", is the birthplace of all Atlantic hurricanes, past and present. The graduate student researchers dubbed the plot "the winged–whirl–wind farm" or 3W–F, and predicted that, in the future, the nine hectare plot will generate 90% of Atlantic hurricanes and 60% of U.S. Government spending on stationary trailers.
The student researchers refused to disclose the location of the nine hectare hurricane–hatchery which scientists suspect lay above 3000 meters (9000 feet) in Morocco"s Atlas mountains. However, the student–researchers provided a detailed description of the hurricane hatching process which begins, according to their team leader, with the flutter–flapping of approximately ten to twenty million monarch butterflies who congregate and mate each August in the nine hectare grove of olive trees, hemp and rosemary plants.
Ali Rofez of Casablanca"s Arabic Numerals, Devout Algebra, and Devoted Functions Institute explained:
"In the past decades every mathematician, meteorologist, or scientist who touched Chaos Theory used the "butterfly effect" to explain their work to their friends and the public. That is, in a dynamic nonlinear system with feedback, even the beating wings of a butterfly could escalate up into a hurricane. We now have discovered that a group of monarch butterflies who were hanging out, beating their wings, and in general, butter–flying around across a variety of mates and would–be mates, came close to destroying the city of New Orleans. In short, we brought evidence and order to chaos, discovered the source of the hurricanes which attack and devastate the Caribbean Islands and the Southeast United States, and, more importantly, have made over forty new friends on Facebook."
Jeffry–Jo–Johnson of Kentucky State University put it more succinctly on his Facebook page:
"To be as precise, as chaos allows a person to be — what butterflies do to each other in the nine hectare Moroccan grove in late August — is what they also do the Florida real estate market and its agents in the late summer and fall."
Meteorological professors and mathematicians were quick to denounce the researchers for not revealing the exact location of the "supposed" butterfly mating site. However a CIA spokesman and Moroccan intelligence officials praised the young researchers for their steadiness and discipline. Said the newly assigned assistant chief, Ralph Leiterf, of the CIA"s Wind, Rain, and Fog Division from his undisclosed office Blimp:
"These young researchers have learned their lesson from nature. Beating your wings and butter–flying around to every newspaper, website, and Dan Rather, does nothing to help your career, but could kick up a big nasty storm with your professors and send your job prospects into a spinning tail."
Without access to the 3–W farm plot, and afraid to let their colleagues know they enjoy using Facebook, scientists were left working with simulation software, which showed that a steady supply of butterfly wing beats in the higher elevations of the central Moroccan region could have generated Hurricane Donna (1960), Hurricane Katrina (2005), and thousands of other storms that have laid waste to the Caribbean, Florida, and Southeastern United States over the past hundred years.
University of Florida Professor, Mot Neerps, voiced a view typical of many researchers:
"I put my model out for a million runs, and got four Hurricane Donnas, three Katarinas, a couple of Sallys and Bobs, and one run which elected Ex–President Jimmy Carter to be the King of Morocco. I don"t know a scientist or mathematician who wouldn’t be willing give all the results of their research data away in order to have a couple thousand of those Moroccan monarch butterflies create a hurricane just for me. It’d be a special bonus if I could get them to congregate in my garage, attic, or in my neighbor’s apple tree – or the lobby of the National Science Foundation -- and create said hurricane.
Eighteen hours after the graduate students posted their findings on face book former Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on the Fox News network and immediately blamed Al Qaeda for the presence of millions of butterflies in Morocco. The former Vice President claimed to have evidence, which he said he could not disclose or recall, that terrorist training camps have been providing young recruits from the Arabian Peninsula with courses in chaos theory, butterfly husbandry, and rain recognition.
When asked to comment further, former Vice President Cheney said he had no comment. When the Vice President was asked if he chose not to comment for fear that his comment would create hurricane force gales in the media, Mr. Cheney said he could not recall making any such comment. When Fox News asked if he ever, once, had made a comment, Mr. Cheney said he believed that he once had made a comment but had no comment about his one–time comment, which he refused to remember or recall ever having.
Without access to former Vice President Cheney"s comment or recollections, scientists were left working with simulation software, which showed that a steady supply on non– commentary from Dick Cheney could have given rise to Hurricane Donna, Katrina, and could have elected former President George W. Bush to be King of the U.S. Supreme Court.
Ali Rofez of Casablanca "s Arabic Numerals, Devout Algebra, and Devoted Functions Institute offered his own spin on former Vice President Cheney"s assertion that terrorists have used Moroccan butterflies to attack the Atlantic ocean:
"Computer simulations show it takes 2.2 million years of butterfly droppings to create the 12 foot layer of rich rancid soil that covers the 3–W farm plot. That predates any terrorist training camp, with butterflies or without butterflies, by over two million years. However, it may not predate the former United States Vice President"s cyclone–centered view of the Arabian world."
Jeffry–Jo–Johnson of Kentucky State University put it less succinctly on his Facebook page:
"A group of beautiful winged angels from the insect word created this, like, rich Moroccan growing soil which is a hugely neat way to pass on the laid back butterfly mood by way of the right type of Moroccan farmers, if you know what I mean, depending on your legal status. And at the same time, the very same little bug–devils spin off a couple dozen Atlantic humdingers each year, which is a hugely sloppy way to unload your air turbulence, if you know what I mean, depending on your chaos status. The amazing back–feed from our chaos research is that we discovered that all any Moroccan Monarch ever wanted to do is just enjoy life and have fun making more butterflies."
Fox News picked up Jeffry–Jo"s comment and reported that Fox News stations across the country were repeatedly running tapes of the Mr. Cheney"s retort to the young researchers. The tapes caught the former Vice President saying to his daughter, "How can anyone believe a rabble of hash–headed students who are full Butterfly Bull Droppings and don"t not know a thing about our Katrina interrogation reports?"
Jerrry–Jo–Johnson, like any good, hurricane researcher, chose to respond by backtracking and wandering about on the Casablanca"s talk radio program, "Morocco"s Tree Goat of the Day", before smashing ashore with his main charge:
"Well you got to admit a good University of Kentucky frat party could have kicked up a few hurricanes too. If Dick Cheney knew about that, he might have moved every student caught partying at a Kentucky University frat house to Git–Mo Cuba. But what I really think was going on is that, Cheney and his ex–CIA buddies got to the 3W–F plot before us, and had been up in the Moroccan Mountains beating the butterflies around the rosemary bushes. This to kick up storms which they planned to send rip–roaring across Southern Cuba and any Florida county that banned the use of butterfly ballots. Katarina, was like, a warning. You don"t mess around with the sensitivity of Chaos theory."
An impatient sounding Dick Cheney hit back by calling into several talk radio shows to voice his view, which, stations across the country recorded to be, "I have no comment."
Ali Rofez of Casablanca"s Arabic Numerals, Algebra, and Devoted Functions Institute expressed his final view over sweet cakes and tea to the chief of Moroccan intelligence services:
"I don"t know how a little butterfly research managed to kick up such a political storm. It seems U.S. politics is a nonlinear dynamic system that has very leaky feedback loops. We were planning to search earthworm farms to see if they explain Japanese or Pakistani earthquakes. But there seems to be so much chaos in the intelligence world, we might serve science better if we search out moth bulb spots — in the basement"s and parking garages of the world"s intelligence agencies — and investigate if moth–beats and antenna twitters have generated any spy–in–the–whirlwind–sky of paranoid lies and no–comment face pies."
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Carlos Arnade is a government economist living in Oakton Virginia. He has written satire for various newspapers and now has his own website called Banana News. His satire covers politics, economics, finance, and international affairs, but occasionally he deals with personal and social issues. He is a (I am?) proud father and semi–zealous table tennis player.
Or maybe the reverse.
You can read more of Carlos' work at his website Banana News .
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