The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

August/September 2005 Humor Writing Contest winner
Best Short Humor!

The Language Barrier


Craig Weaver

Since we have entered a new century and I figured that my brain might have improved with age (a misguided assumption to be sure) I decided that I would tackle a second language. This was, of course, brought on by my latest job interview catastrophe. When the lady doing the interview asked me if I was bilingual, I replied "No, I am American." It is not hard to guess how the rest of the interview went.

After making the decision to learn a second language, I was then faced with the daunting task of choosing which one. If you think about it, the possibilities are endless.

My first and most obvious choice was Spanish. After all, everything you pick up these days is labeled in both English and Spanish. My lessons in Spanish would be short lived. While attempting to roll my "R's " I spit my gum into the lap of the rather large man sitting in front of me. He offered to loosen my dental work, and I left the class.

I moved from Spanish to German. It has been a dream of mine to visit Germany one day, so I thought it would be nice to know the language. I must say that I was disappointed. German makes you sound permanently ticked off. I arrived home from my first lesson and decided to surprise my wife. I said "Ich Liebe Dich" (I love you). She promptly broke into tears and locked herself in the bathroom for the rest of the night. Moving on.

Italian, I thought, would not only smooth things over with the wife, but make me sound like a high–class movie star. It is, after all, the language of love. Well, that proved to be a mistake. Not wanting to repeat the German mishap, I tried my first learned Italian phrase out on the guy who changes my oil. After I asked him to check my tire pressure in my less than perfect Italian, he smiled broadly, took out a card with his private telephone number and told me that he was free on Friday night.

I turned away from Italian and the Oil and Lube Mart after that. I thought about trying Chinese but I am way to old and tired to get that excited about anything.

Just as I was ready to give up, I discovered a little known language that I can learn from the comfort of my own home. Teenagerese! I have been picking up great new words that I can work into every day conversation. Dude, killer, phat just to name a few. Teenagerese is not without danger I am afraid. While in the post office, I mentioned that the new stamp line was "Da Bomb." Needless to say, I met some very nice men in black suits and sunglasses. Live and learn.

©Craig Weaver

Craig Weaver was born to Gregory and Crystal Weaver in 1973.After graduating high school, Craig entered the automotive repair industry and worked in this capacity for 10 years.

With his wife, Laura and twin teenage sons, Craig now lives in Ossian, Indiana. He has been a full time writer for several years.

Published Works:  I've Tasted My Foot So Much It's Now My Favorite Food

Self Published Works:  The Layman's Guide To Error Coins; Diary Of A Madman; Seeking The Lost:  Treasure Tales; The Treasure Hunters Guide To The Civil War

You can read more of Craig's writing at his website:  Click HERE.

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©Margie Culbertson

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