The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

April/May 2006 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!

Solutions to High Gas Prices


Paul C. Vincent

With gas prices continuing to rise, and oil company (oilco) profits going through the roof, people are asking:  what are we going to do about it? Or, more specifically, what is the government going to do about it?

So far, as you might expect, most governments have chosen to do nothing. However, by doing nothing that is actually doing something. Doing nothing gets us rising gas prices and higher oilco profits. A couple of Canadian provinces have begun regulating gas prices just like most do with electricity rates. However, what is needed is something we can all use.

Here's some actions that can be done right now: 

– keep siphoning gas out of your neighbor's SUV. Those things burn gas like it's free and they won't even notice a few gallons are missing.

– pump and run. Say, for every ten visits to the pump to fill up, designate one as a "pump & run" o' "P'nR". Oilco's , and their market cousins, Gasco's , surely won't notice a mere 10% that goes missing.

– that pile of lawn crap sitting in your back yard? Convert it to ethanol and pour it into your tank. You can use the same process that you're using now in your basement meth lab.

– figure out a way to do the same with any other waste you are generating. You might recall from those "Back to the Future" movies that their time travel car was fusion powered. Develop one that actually works and attach it to your engine. You'll reduce garbage going to the land fill and power your car almost for free.

– convert your car into a hybrid. Take the chain and pedal assembly off your bike, cut a hole in your car's floorboard in front of the gas and break pedals, install it – voila! – a gas powered car that is also pedal powered, and fun, too. Install three additional pedal assemblies in the passenger areas so the whole family can join in.

– install a big hook on the front of your car. As you pull up behind someone else in traffic, extend the hook and latch onto their bumper. Put your car in neutral and enjoy the ride on the other guy's dime. Don't hook up to couriers or cabbies since they probably won't be going your way. And avoid buses due to frequent stops. You want to save gas, but you also want to get to work "today".

– install train wheels on your car and use the rails to travel. Won't save any gas, but you'll avoid most traffic.

– figure out a way to tap into the internet and siphon off the energy being generated by our youth, in chat rooms and gaming, for your car. Why let it go to waste?

– harness the power of the sun. Put solar panels on all surfaces of your car. Let your car sit in the sun all day to let the batteries power up. Drive all you want at night. You may have to get a night job for this to fit in with your lifestyle.

There you have it. Ideas to save you, the consumer, money on gas. While world leaders sit by twiddling their thumbs and lining their pockets with Oilco profits, you'll actually be doing something. And get this, all these ideas are non–taxable! The government gets nothing. Best of luck to you all.

©Paul C. Vincent

Paul has been a practicing humorist, off and on, for decades (three at least). Paul lives in Winnipeg, Canada, where he puts food on the table by toiling for the provincial government there – an occupation which helps fuel his wacky sense of humor.

You can read more of Paul's writing at his website:  Click HERE.

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