The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

February/March, 2004 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!


Jeff B. Tamarkin

Suck (Up) Deluxe

"It's good to see you're a member of the vacuum cleaner club, too."

"Oh yeh, those two there are supposed to get fixed because we don't have enough vacuums. Uhuh, five, seven, ten, whatever—–that's not enough."

"My wife has at least a dozen. And she wants another one now. I asked her, "Honey, what's wrong with the one you're using now? Or the other eleven that are sitting in the basement, the garage, everywhere around the house?" "And what did she say?"

"Well, she seems to have them all memorized—–their faults, that is. "This one's too small, that one's too big, the one in the guest room closet is ugly", and so on and so on."

"Ever seriously think about why vacuum cleaners are named the way they are? Hoover—–yup, hoover me right up the you–know–what. Oreck—–or is it Oh Wreck? Or O Dreck. Oh Heck?"

"Then there's Electrolux and Kirby. They"re super duper great deals."

"Uhuh, Electrolux sucks reeeeel good. Oh, and yes, here's a topsy–turvy Kirby—–would you like a fortieth attachment for only another hundred dollars? We're not sure what it does, or where it goes, just like more than half the parts and pieces for this beast."

"But the fortieth attachment is a real steal at only a hundred bucks. And, in fact, we'll rent you this here weird looking compartment—–sort of a mini–toolshed—–so that you can store this monstrosity when you're not using it."

"Which will be real soon. Because this complicated, supercomplex, ultra–expensive hideous thing will break within a week. Guaranteed."

"Now wait, there's also Eureka. Eureka! This piece of poop doesn't vacuum up anything."

"And Sanitaire. Oh please Sanitaire me away to a sanitarium. I think I'm going nuts!"

"And how about Dust Devils and Dirt Devils? "Gee, I can pick up that crumb with my fingers, I can push it under a rug, I can let the dog eat it. No, I think I'll waste fifty bucks or more and buy it." Well, at least you'll feel like a king or queen knowing they're made by Royal Appliance in Cleveland. Cleveland, the lap of royalty."

"Oh and how about the vacuums that do the opposite of picking up stuff? Hasn't everyone had a dust blower? Don't you love hearing your wife shout from the next room"Jesus Mother of Mary, this thing just blew gunk and grunge everywhere!" Voila, dear, that means we can use it to blow leaves and snow!"

"Or the rare ones that are too powerful. When the curtains and throw rugs get stuck way up inside the guts of the vacuum. And you're left with bits of cloth and carpet sticking out of a maimed yet content vacuum."

"Hey honey, it" time for a new one."

"Oh yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Time for a new vacuum, honey dear love of my life."

©Jeff B. Tamarkin

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©Margie Culbertson

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