The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson



The March/April/May 2008 Very Short Humor Contest


By

Matthew Ross




Sheriff's Department Offers Burglary Prevention Tips: 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Burglary is frightening, but you don't have to become a victim. Just follow these tips and you will be on your way to a happy, secure life in Jackson County. And remember, if crime should come knocking at your door – or if you need help fishing an out–of–towner out of your moat – the Jackson County Sheriff's Department is only a phone call away.

Spring is here, and the Jackson County Sheriff's Department wants to warn residents that an increase in burglaries often follows the warmer weather. To help residents protect themselves, the department recommends that citizens act on the following anti–crime tips: 

Don't Buy Things People Want to Steal
The number one reason people burglarize houses is because they want your stuff. Your best defense is to avoid owning anything. Admittedly, this can be difficult. Still, trying not to inflame the desires of potential criminals through your thoughtless consumerism pays off. A recent twenty–year longitudinal study funded by the Federal government concluded that those who live in nearly empty, God–forsaken hovels are nearly 20% less likely to become burglary victims than dual–income suburban families.

Protect Yourself
If you absolutely must own something, make it a weapon. Nothing makes a criminal think twice like the certainty that a victim will engage in a little proactive self–defense. For legal reasons, however, you must practice good judgment. For example, suppose a stranger comes to your door. His crumpled car is in flames at the end of your driveway. He is bleeding, badly bruised and screaming for you to make the pain stop. What should you do? From a legal perspective, you could simply choose to proactively defend yourself, but it is far more effective to explain that he is trespassing and then proactively defend yourself.

At this point, you are probably wondering what sort of weapon you should purchase.

Many Jackson County residents choose guns, but most jaded criminals will assume that your gun is not loaded. Interviews with inmates in the Jackson County Jail have revealed that the most effective weapon is a banjo. Criminals are from the city. Faced with an unfamiliar rural environment, people from the city fear banjo music more than just about anything else.

Secure Your Home
While avoiding ownership of anything except a weapon drastically reduces your chances of becoming a victim, it is also important to make your house difficult to burglarize. This does not have to be an expensive or labor–intensive endeavor. A trip to the hardware store and a little elbow grease are all you need.

First, you will want to buy deadbolt locks. These are simple to install and effective at stopping burglars before they get started. Next, obtain heavy–duty locks for all of your windows. Finally, you will need a shovel and a large garden hose.

While digging your moat, you will want to create a ditch at least eight feet deep. If your ditch is any shallower, criminals will not take you seriously. Use the garden hose to fill the ditch with water. At this point, it is important to make sure that you have provided a way for yourself to cross the moat. More than one Jackson County resident has dug and filled a perfect moat only to find himself staring at his front door from the far side. It is neither safe nor necessary to fill the moat with alligators.

Get to Know Your Neighbors
Finally, the most effective step you can take to protect yourself is to get to know your neighbors. While Jackson County has a long history of people helping people, there is no denying that it has never been more difficult to become acquainted with the folks next door. The Sheriff's Department recommends these steps: 

Approach your neighbor cautiously and explain yourself as soon as possible. You do not want to provoke your neighbor into proactive self–defense.

Engage your neighbor with small talk. Take it slow. Learn as much as you can about what makes her tick. Capitalize on common interests and shared experiences.

When you are comfortable with your neighbor, engage in a bonding activity. For example you could invite her to dinner or offer to critique her manifesto.

If you follow these simple steps, you will gain a trusted friend who will be happy to watch out for you and your property.

Summary
Burglary is frightening, but you don't have to become a victim. Just follow these tips and you will be on your way to a happy, secure life in Jackson County. And remember, if crime should come knocking at your door – or if you need help fishing an out–of–towner out of your moat – the Jackson County Sheriff's Department is only a phone call away.




©Matthew Ross
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 
Matthew Ross is a humorist from north central Ohio. A husband and father of two, he holds English and Library Science degrees from Kent State University. When not writing or holding his degrees, he works as a Reference Librarian, which is enjoyable but not nearly as glamorous as it sounds.

You can view Matt's work at his Blog .





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