The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

January/February/March '99 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!

Teacher's Lament


Linda Calder

Some other forms to be completed.
Please God ,don't let me be defeated.
Make sure they're correctly dated
And don't forget, they're to be collated.

All this paper everywhere
On every table and every chair.
There's one thing I know darn well
Papers will form a teacher's hell.

Report cards here and referrals there
If you don't get them done–beware.
Even in dying I'm afraid you'll find
You haven't left them all behind.

When you meet St. Peter at the pearly gate
He'll say "Here's one you forgot to date.
This one in the garbage you threw
You might have fooled them but we knew.

Here's one you even forgot to file
Threw it away after a while.
I'm afraid we can't let you in
Till you've served time for every sin".

Then he'll tell you to step below.
Where you're going you won't know.
But soon enough I'm afraid you'll find
The kind of place he had in mind.

Paper, paper by the reams
From the floor to ceiling beams.

At least you'll find you're not alone.
Thousands of teachers will help you moan.
They'll all be there in the teachers hell
With the kinds of forms you know so well.

It's to the regular hell you aspire.
The one they say is full of fire.
Oh, to only get your turn
And try to get these forms to burn.

Folks are afraid of the fires of hell
But most teachers would think they're swell.
Getting to burn all that paper
Would make a teacher's world much safer.

Dear God, I beg and pray
No more forms, at least today!

©Linda Calder

I am Linda Calder (I used to be and am I was born in England in 1946 and moved toCanada in 1956. I have one husband and one son I was very lucky to beable to retire last year from teaching (after thirty–three years). Forten of the last eleven years I taught Kindergarten. For as long as Ican remember, I have liked to write. I used to write stories for mystudents for Christmas. I like to write poems about things that aregoing on around me. One time I did one for our principal about thephotocopy machine which was always acting up. I also enjoy photographyespecially taking close–ups. One of the things I have been doing sinceI retired is taking pictures of the artifacts at our local museum. Thisis so that boxes don't have to be opened all the time in order to finditems that are needed for display purposes. I also do all sorts ofcrafts and I have a lathe so I am a beginning wood turner. We moved toa new place last July so I have been enjoying myself painting andstenciling. I like to do things around the house (except cleaning). Ithink I have a bit of an offbeat sense of humour. I'm glad I foundMargie when I was "surfing the net" and the Writers With Humor Discussion Group. I really enjoy the group as ithas encouraged me to write.

©Margie Culbertson

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©Margie Culbertson

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