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author:  Margie Culbertson

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Self–Preservation And RST


Paul Molyneux

Welcome to "The Dangerous Path," the WWHY weekly sports program that explores the secrets of those brave enough to defy convention. I am your host, Lonnie Boaster, bringing you sports news so strange that it strains credibility.Today, we delve into the astonishing story of the Louisville Vipers, their new Super Bowl Championship and the mysterious actions of Head Coach, Harry Parmesan.

Just eight days ago, the Cinderella Vipers won the AFC Championship by defeating the Reno Rattlers 14–6. All this from a team that had won only one game in the previous past five seasons. But the victory quickly became bittersweet. The following is a list of the disasters that plagued the victorious Vipers as the game ended:  Parmesan.

• As Keychain Johnson romped into the end zone and spiked the ball, five of his teammates joyfully jumped on him and pummeled him so severely, that he sustained four broken ribs, three slipped discs, two floating kneecaps, with amnesia making mincemeat of his brain. Keychain's mother came charging onto the field to help her son, but he pushed her away saying, "Somebody get this crazy woman outta here!"Parmesan.

• Keeyona Targit and Bubba Brewski jumped into the air to belly bump. In the collision, both received cracked ribs. When they landed, Keeyona broke a collar bone and Bubba, landing on the Head Linesman, sustained a dislocated two vertebrae. The Head Linesman has nine nasty cleat holes.Parmesan.

• On the sideline, All–Pro kicker, Felix Grammatical, jumped up and down hard enough to pull a groin muscle. He won't kick until just before camp next fall.Parmesan.

• Runny Lot and Kele Malekahoowapawanekootchi high–fived so hard that Runny got a broken finger and a broken thumb. Kele broke his wrist.Parmesan.

• Peyton Playce flung his helmet toward the bench where it hit Assistant Coach Ivan Helpful in the head and gave him a concussion. Ivan fell forward into Warren Peace and knocked him into the ice–water cooler. Warren reacted by slamming his fist into Peyton. Unfortunately, he struck the edge of his teammate's shoulder pads breaking seven metacarpi.Parmesan.

• In its trajectory to Ivan, Peyton's helmet went dangerously close to one of the cheerleaders. The corner of the face mask caught the edge of her bra–strap and completely removed her top. A cheer went up in the nearby seats and four people ended up in the hospital from being trampled in the rush of fans to protect the poor girl's modesty.All of those involved were unable to participate in the big game, except the cheerleader. When she came on the field, she received a standing ovation. Word has it that she has received an extremely lucrative offer from Playboy.At the post–game press conference, Coach Parmesan shocked the world. I will quote his remarks in their entirety: Parmesan.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this will be short and sweet. We won. I'm glad we won. I don't like the way we played at the end."Quarterback, Fred Indiana, is suspended until such time as our organization determines that "The Fang" still has positive things to add to our organization.Parmesan.

"I don't have time for questions. See you at the Super Bowl."The team was immediately sealed off from all media personnel and no word was heard from the Vipers until Wednesday. They had disappeared. Contact with the front office resulted only in "See you at the Super Bowl." Contact with players" families yielded only that they received one phone call a day from their loved one to tell them "I'm fine. See you at the Super Bowl."All America puzzled over three main questions:  Why was star quarterback Fred "The Fang" benched? Why have they disappeared? Where are they? Now, less than 24 hours after their crushing of the Oklahoma Tornadoes, Talk Radio WWHY has learned the answers and is proud to be the first to get them to our sporting public.Parmesan.

The Fang was benched for disobeying orders. Late in the fourth quarter the score was 7 to 6 in favor of the Vipers. The Rattlers were forced to punt and the Vipers got the ball back on their own six yard–line with fifty–seven seconds to go. All that was necessary was to play it safe, run out the clock and they were Super Bowl bound. The order to take a knee was in. He faked going to his knee and flipped a surprise lateral to Keychain Johnson, who ran it all the way down for a touchdown. If he had not thrown that unnecessary pass, the entire team would have been healthy for the Super Bowl.The Vipers flew to a deserted guerilla training camp in Nicaragua. Coach Parmesan wanted complete privacy as he tried a new type of training (called RST) that was his only hope for keeping a complete team on the field for the entire game. RST stands for Radical Sensitivity Training and is best explained by team running back, Hector Zeroday: Parmesan.

"This ain't your everyday run–of–the–mill sensitivity. We gots to be aggressive, but we gots to learn how to channel it. Coach went to New York City and hired a whole street gang to come to Nicaragua with us. They come to the practices and scrimmages. Whenever anything really good happens, the gang members watch for anybody who gets too excited and they drag him off'n the field and work him over a bit. That makes him real sensitive all over his body and he soon learns to control his joy. The team has a new motto which has been painted all over the camp:  "Keep your hands off your buds! We also gots fines for anybody who hurts a team member. They go from $25 for raising a welt to $15,000 for breaking a bone. Cause some mental damage and ya get fired."Parmesan.

This reporter has long been opposed to the rule that severely limits celebrating on the field, but this carnage puts the rule in a new light. Whether you agree with the reasoning or not, this obviously raises some serious safety considerations that must, sooner or later, be dealt with by the NFL as a whole. Will a system of fines such as the Vipers have started suffice? Who knows? Maybe the league have to change its "unnecessary roughness" rule to include members of one's own team? Will all teams need RST?

©Paul Molyneux

Paul Molyneux lives in Baltimore, Ohio where he has spread his fame to nearly three houses away in all directions. His mother's friends refer to him as "the one who writes the weird stuff." His mother (85) still refers to him as "the one I still can't handle."

Paul's short humor and poems have been published on many electronic sites and several print mags. His current writing time is spent between new short stuff and finishing an historic novel based on his great grandfather's life after the Civil War. His favorite labor of love is editing and publishing Laughter Loaf, an online site for writers and readers of clean humor.

You can read more of Paul's writing at his website:  Click HERE.

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©Margie Culbertson

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