The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

October/November 2003 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!

Max Tolerance:  The Automated Phone System
By And For Sales Personnel


Paul D. Molyneux

Thank you for calling Jeers & Holbrook Appliances. I am MaxTolerance,the latest in automated operators. Your call is important to us.You cantalk to me. Just interrupt at any time to direct your call oryou maypress a corresponding button on your touch–tone phone. If you donothave a touch–tone phone, have a serious speech impediment, or aweirdaccent, tough luck, bubby. Your call may be monitored fortrainingpurposes and for entertainment at our next company party.

If you are calling to make a purchase, press "1" or say "Money."Yourcall will automatically be moved to the front of the line.

If you are calling to ask a sales associate to recite a list ofthefeatures of all our appliances, press "2" or say "Tire kicker."Theapproximate wait time for this category is three days.

If you are calling to blame your life's problems on "the jerksalesperson," press "3" or say "Idiot."

If you changed your mind about color and want to blame yoursalespersonand the entire delivery staff so you don't have to pay thedifference inprice for the new color, press "4" or say "Oopsie."

If you are calling about an appliance that was damaged ondelivery,press "5" or say "Damn."

If you are calling about a delivery that is later than thepromisedwindow, press "6" or say "Liar." For faster response, hang upand waituntil your delivery is at least twenty minutes late beforecalling back.The will give the traffic lights a chance to turn green. Ninetypercentof our late trucks arrive in this time span.

If you are calling because of a billing error, press "7" or say"Attorney General."

If you are calling to complain because your twelve–year–oldrefrigeratordied and your previous one lasted twenty–eight years, press "8"or say"Trash."

If you are calling because your new appliance is not workingproperlyand have not read the owner's manual, press "9" or say "Duh."

If you are calling because the appliance you bought last week isnow onsale for $85.00 less than you paid, press "0" or say "Rip–off."

If you are calling to praise our service or our products, pressthepound sign, or say "Miracle." Your call will automatically bereroutedto our Public Relations Coordinator. He will arrange writtencommendation and rebates.

If you are calling to speak to a manager, good luck.

If you made it this far into the menu and have calmed downsufficientlyto engage in intelligent interaction and you realize that thewait hasprevented you from making an ass of yourself, press the starbutton orsay "I'll be good." You will be immediately forwarded to a livepersonwho has the ability and the authority to solve your problem andmake youhappy within ten minutes.

If you are still out of control, the next sound you hear will bethedial tone.

©Paul D. Molyneux

Paul Molyneux is a freelance writer from Baltimore, Ohio. His humor work has appeared in over 40 publications both online and in print. He is beginning to make inroads into non–fiction articles in several publications.

Paul is currently devoting most of his writing time to his historical novel which is loosely based on the life of his Great–grandfather after he returned to Pennsylvania after the Civil War. It is about half written and that is good, since Paul is still about half coherent.

Laughter Loaf, an ezine for showcasing clean humor is Paul's pet project. It is published bi–monthly and in it's seven–year life span has published more than 125 writers which range from first time beginners to Pushcart Prize winners.

You can read more of Paul's writing at his website:  Laughter Loaf.

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©Margie Culbertson

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