The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

April/May 2000 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!

You're Only As Old As You Feel


Kelly McColl

You're Only As Old As You Feel

My birthday is approaching."You're only as old as you feel"

Perky people like that have an awful lot of work doneby the time they're 40. And I'll be 40.... someday.

Truth be told, I *am* healthier now than I have beensince I was in my late teens/early 20's . Time has been"fairly" kind. As long as I'm dressed.

Ladies, remember the "pencil test"?Determining your "pertness" by placing a pencilright under your breast and cheerfully watching itfall away when you let go, because you are so pert andyoung and firm. ( Or you simply have no breasts)Ahhhhh the glow on your cheeks believing you would always be that way.

Guess what, gravity exists and efficiently shows itselfas time marches on. I think I can hold a poolcue now. Though I refuse to try on the grounds that ifI can sail the 8ball into the corner pocket holding thepool cue beneath my breasts, someone in the room willhave to suffer. Of course I'm exaggerating, but it sure comesin useful when I have nowhere to set my spatula while I'mcooking.

And what's with wrinkles, anyway?"Shows character"?Actually, it shows that the Oil of Olay company isprobably full of crap.I've discovered this "laugh line" on my cheek.I've tried smoothing in more creams, flattening mypalm against my cheek, oatmeal facials, short ofironing my face I think it's there to stay.

"But Dave, it just shows you are jovial"*BAH* Just shows I'm getting old and thedamn Oil of Olay company is probably full of crap.

I remember when I didn't worry about what I ate,when or why. If I wanted a burger with fries, Ihad it. And my cute little 20 year old butt didn't suffer a bit. What of those newlywed games ofwhipped cream fights and sweet massage oils?"Oh just a minute babe, gotta see if this is sweetenedwith splenda and is safe for carbohydrate reduceddiets"

Sounds a bit jaded maybe?

I imagine now you are picturing someHeifer grazing on bean sprouts and scowling.Nah..

I am not about to undertake a Phyllis Diller faceburning, or a surgical reduction of *any* sort.For one, it's not cheap, for another, I'm not intoacid on my mug, or scalpels in my flesh by choice.I simply have a new storage facility built rightinto my chest for quick access during needy times.Great for when I have no pockets and need somewhereto stash the cellular.

With thoughts of Mork and Mindy, I have namedmy first wrinkle "Mirth" for it *is* a laugh line.

For my birthday, I want to go to the local comedyclub and give Mirth her full coming out.

And who knows...maybe shoot a coupla games of pool.

©Kelly McColl

About the author: 

I am the Lady named Dave. 34 year old wife of 15 years to the luckiest man in the world, whom I fondly refer to as "Mr Happy". Mother to twowonderful boys, charmers I refer to as "Damian" and "Lucifer".Perfect nuclear family. Just drifting through life with alotof laughs, trying to keep the sanity.

I spend alot of time writing columns formyself, and for some ezines on the web.I am a proud member of the NetWitsOrganization (URL is http: //

Samples of Kelly's work can be found at: 

The World According to a Lady Named Dave .

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©Margie Culbertson

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