The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site

author:  Margie Culbertson


By Margie Culbertson

Margie's Treatment of Time: 

. . There are three more Sunday evenings in any given week than there are Saturday mornings.
. Children have an uncanny sense of time. They nap in readiness, prepared to wake up as soon as the parents have a project spread all over the room.
. When something in your life requires immediate attention with a weekday business, you learn about it on Friday at 4: 59 p.m.
. Life is like bananas:  green for about two months, ripe for twenty minutes, and soft and squishy forever after that.

Margie's Treatment of Space: 

. It takes a month to use 3/4 of a tank of gas; it takes five minutes to use the last 1/4 of the tank.
. If you wear glasses, you will always put your turtleneck sweater on with your glasses still on your face.
. A 6–pound cat will not fit into a cat carrier if that cat's dimensions have unexpectedly expanded to two foot by three foot.
. No matter what knife you choose, it will be just short of reaching all the way through when you are cutting a watermelon.
. A bus is not a large enough container in which to hold fifty children.
. A teenager's room is one of the finest examples of black holes—a gravitational field so intense that light cannot penetrate them and no particle of matter can be exhumed from it. They are formed when a star exhausts itself and begins to collapse.
. A child cannot stuff more than 14 grapes in her mouth at one time.
. A child who has 14 grapes in her mouth cannot eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Margie's Rules of Relativity: 

. Weather is relative. If the relative happens to be your mother and she is cold, you must put on your sweater.
. Wants and needs are relative. Sometimes what we want is not what we need. You always get what you need. And what you wind up getting is probably what you'd always have wanted, if only you'd have known how great it was going to be once you got it. Who knows how many blessings we'd have missed out on if we always got what we wanted?

Margie's Rule of Family Mathematics: 

. My son did not learn that his mother could count past three until he was 18 years old. When he was growing up he heard a lot of, "OK. I'm going to start counting now:  One, Two, Thr—that's better". Now he's amazed at how much I have learned in such a short few years.

Margie's Rules of Family Travel: 

• A baby will go to sleep five minutes before the family car arrives at the destination no matter how long the trip.
• How quickly a family will get from Point A to Point B is directly proportional to how many times the passengers scream, "He's touching me".
• The amount of water a child consumes while he is traveling is in inverse proportion to the number of public restrooms on the road.
• A family car is not a large enough container in which to hold a family.

Margie's Rules of Family Planning: 

• One child is not enough; two is about three too many.
. If you are considering having children, I say go ahead. Enjoy yourselves. You've never truly lived until you find yourself face to face, looking at your teenager, who is staring back at you, not blinking.

Margie's Rules of Family Pets: 

. If your child asks you where her pet rat or lizard is just remember that any search for the beast will be futile. Any self–respecting rodent, amphibian or reptile ahs an instinctual sense of how to find YOU.
. A pet can be certain to jump into your seat just as you are bending over to sit down.

Margie's Rules of Spousal Relations: 

. It is never a good idea to sit up in bed, turn to your spouse and yell, "I want my pillow!"
. If you should ever yell, "I want my pillow!" you can expect a completely coherent, reasonable (and adult) response, "NO, I want MY pillow!"
. Spouses always agree on one thing:  who is the boss. The answer? The other spouse.

Margie's Rules of Family Cooperation: 

. Children's " willingness to help is in inverse proportion to their abilities.
. When your children fight with each other let them handle it between themselves. Only become involved if you are afraid you need to save one of them for the tradition of keeping the family name.
. Siblings can be indispensable in a crisis. You should always carry spare Band–Aids around with you, because you never know when your teenager is going to loose air—rolling their eyes and letting out a deep sigh. I used to call my daughter and yell "OK, quick grab the Band–Aids. Grant is losing air again"!
. Anyone who says that music can sooth the savage beast hasn't heard Marilyn Manson's song "Scabs, Guns And Peanut Butter".

Margie's Rules of Family Communication: 

. I read recently where Intel Corp. created a technological giant of themselves by demonstrating a new microprocessor which easily and speedily responds to human voices. You don't suppose they would make house calls?
. Don't ever ask "why" your child does anything.
. If you should ever ask "why" your child does something, be prepared for an answer.. If you ever ask a child "why don't you ever sit up straight in your chair?" you may hear, "Well, you see the trajectory of the room is such that the angle of my fork does not correspond concisely with the curve of my potatoes. Let me demonstrate this for you . . ."

Margie's Rules of Home–School Relations: 

. When you do not recognize a food object in your refrigerator, label it as a science experiment and send it to school with your kids.
. Always get to know your child's teacher. You never know when you're going to need someone to push the other side of the tube of toothpaste so your child comes out in front!

Margie's Rules of General Human Relations: 

. Tell the people who are important in your life that you love them. One day it will be too late to do so.
. Telling the truth shocks others into treating you as if you are a good human being.

Margie's Rules of Family Life: 

. The complete inventory of a toy store would not be sufficient to satisfy the play needs of two 3–year–olds. Get used to it.
. When you tire of the responsibility of being a parent, remember you will one day become a grandparent. It is not less expensive but it is a whole lot more fun.
. Whoever invented the term, "Terrible Two's ", didn't have a three–year old.

Margie's Rules of Dieting: 

. Vertical stripes and solids make you appear thin—if you are 5"10" tall and weigh 115 lbs.
. When dieting pay attention to calories (they are those friendly little creatures who call to you at night from the top shelf of the refrigerator...and they know your name).
. When you do not recognize a food object in your refrigerator, you can bet it was once one of those "delicious, fat free, sugar free, high fiber snacks" you bought on your first day of dieting.

Margie's Rule of Telephone Etiquette: 

. If a market–research firm calls, always answer the first question with, "No". I repeat, if they ask you if you are between the ages of eight and eighty, answer "No".

Margie's Tao of Housekeeping: 

. Socks have one purpose in life. Though they pose as toe and foot covers, they actually act as reminders of the mysteries of life (like where do socks go when they are not in the washer or the dryer?)
. A child who can scamper up a 10 foot tree cannot go down a hall without clutching both sides of the walls with dirty hands.

Margie's Rule of Living: 

. To err is human...but to really foul things up requires a computer.
. If someone dislikes you, this proves you are alive.

Margie's Rule of Being a Woman: 

. When you feel as a woman that you have a bigger share of the work in this world, simply repeat to yourself this mantra: 
{ I am woman.
{ I am invincible.
{ I am tired.
.You can learn a great deal from a holiday roasting turkey. I mean, where else can you find someone casually crossing their legs in a 350 degree oven?

Margie's Rule of Being a Man: 

. When you feel that woman have the upper hand, you are right.

Margie's Rule of Eternity: 

. When you die, St. Peter will hand you a box. In that box will all your lost keys, sunglasses, and socks that have disappeared from the dryer.

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©Margie Culbertson

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