The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

"1st Place" in the Best "Very Short" Humor!
April/May, 2003 Humor Writing Contest

A Lovin' Spoonful


Susan Larson

One evening as I was expecting to hear my teenage son's car in the driveway, I heard the phone instead. Was that he? He'd been at his girlfriend's house and shouldhave been home by now.

I picked up the phone.

"Mom, when's dinner gonna' be ready?"

"It's in the crock pot. It's ready when you are."

"OK. I'll be home in about 45 minutes. I have to kill a rat for Kate."

"Kill a rat? Why?"

"For her pet snake."

"The snake can't kill its own rat?"

"The vet says it's better to feed snakes dead rats."

"Yeah? So what fun is that for the snake?"

"It's less likely to get diseases," he said, sighing at my ignorance.

"Oh, because maggots eat all the germs off the rat and make it nice and clean for the snake, right?"

"Mom, get serious! Besides, eating dead rats instead of live ones helps keep the snake from becoming violent."

"Thank goodness they can't use handguns! So, how do you kill these rats."

"You stick them in a bath tub and beat their heads with a metal spoon until they die."

"OK. Let me get this straight. In order to keep snakes from becoming violent, a human being stands over rats in a bathtub and beats them to death with a metal spoon."

"Mom, would you want a violent snake for a pet?"

"I wouldn't want any snake for a pet. Maybe they weren't even meant to be pets!"

"The vet says they're good pets, but they could squeeze your arm off if they got used to killing their own food when they're young."

"So what happens to kids who get used to killing rats with spoons when they're young?"

"There you go again, Mom, over–analyzing everything. The point is to keep the snake from becoming violent."

"Oh, how times have changed. When I was young, spooning with your girlfriend meant..."

"Meant what?"

"Never mind. Just keep killing rats if that's what turns you on."

As I hung up the phone, the words to By the Light of the Silvery Moon popped into my head. Stirring my crock pot, I chuckled to think that the line that goes "Oh, how we'll spoon," will never again sound quite the same."

©Susan Larson, 2003

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