The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

August/September '99 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best "Very Short" Humor!



Dennis Lamour

It's hard not to wish you were alive when there was more opportunity: like to discover Gravity. Sir Isaac's sitting there, apple falls on his head, next thing he's so famous they name a cookie after him.

It's all timing. I'm sure I would have invented potato soup if the Chinese hadn't served it up in 1500 BC. I would have invented visseysoise the next chilly day.

Somebody got rich by inventing the church key. I could have done that. I might have a few less teeth, but I would have definitely worked it out.

I could have come up with the kitty litter box, the garbage can cover, the ashtray, the towel ...

Somebody invented the rug. "Hey, I have an idea: let's put this skin on the ground!" I could have thought of that.

The problem is that I've had a history of inventing things that people already invented. I remember as a boy one rainy day I invented the umbrella. My version was quite large and carried by a parent at either end. When I saw my first real umbrella, I knew I was born too late.

My Irish background is rich in invention and creativity. The limerick, for example ... Irish clog dancing ... warm beer. The wedding brawl, I believe, is uniquely Irish.

My father's mother's mother's father coined the word "autobiography". This was before someone invented the word automobile. My family was a couple of syllables away from generations of wealth. He (great great great granddaddy William) also wrote the poem "Sugar and spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of; snakes and snails and puppydog tails ..." You know the rest. Everyone in every country has picked up on it. I may be prejudiced, but I think it's right up there with "The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout". People remember that one even in places where there are no waterspouts. Amazing.

There are 5 1/2 billion people. Every three seconds a new life messes up yours. Because your idea has less hope. It's not fair. I wouldn't know how to "coin" a word if I had one.

The further we explore with telescopes and electrical beams ... the further we focus with atom smashers and quarks ... the more we see that Life is a mystery. Infants become parents; inventions become necessities. Sometimes we're in the right place at the right time, sometimes, I suspect, the apple falls up.

©Dennis Lamour

ABOUT the author:

I've got a monthly column on website:

Click HERE to visit the Fish Eggs for the Soul website.

Also a website at www.

Click HERE to visit the Travel on the Cheap website.

Dennis has also had humor articles in Wet Magazine, City Sports, Hollywood Casting News, etc.; and has been analyzed in the Village Voice as "symbolic of the zeitgeist". He's had two plays produced; OUT OF THE GARDEN is currently being produced by Love Creek Productions on theatre row in New York. He has gone around the world overland, has earned an MFA and has taught acting, bridge and golf. And finally, for twenty years Dennis has ruled the basketball courts in Venice, California with his outside shooting.
Here's Dennis! Dennis Lamour

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©Margie Culbertson

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