The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

Guest Writers' Humor: January '98 Contest
Best Short Humor!

for a




Having decided to quit smoking, due to societal pressures placed upon me by prissy self–satisfied non–smokers and burdensome taxes, I am planning to dictate this chronicle into a minirecorder I will keep on my person to record thoughts as they occur to me to help others who may embark on this course in the future.

My plan is to take advantage of a weekend to start, having my last cigarette on Saturday Night, and going cold–turkey from my awakening Sunday Morning. I shall actually start my chronicle in earnest on Monday, as going without cigarettes should be no hardship for one relaxed, lazy Sunday.

Allright, so I'm starting on Sunday with some observations. This Sunday paper was a disappointment— probably the worst one of the year. I hope you have a better one when starting your program. None of the Comics were amusing, and Ziggy was downright offensive.

Someone ought to punch Jane Ely in the nose. Andy Rooney finally revealed his true colors between the lines of newsprint. He's a Communist–Pinko Sympathizer!! Aha! Here it is! William Safire is a KGB Plant!

It is shocking to see the growing moral decay in our society. It's clear that the death penalty should be expanded to include shoplifters, people who overextend their credit cards, and all attorneys. (People have told me that nonsmokers have a better grasp of reality, and now that I am one, it's clear that it's true.) I am looking forward to seeing things a lot clearer without a haze of smoke.

NOTE: The Dog had the nerve to wag his tail at me when I got up. And I thought he was my friend. I walked him, but he wouldn't run away. I'll show him— nothing but dry food today for his insolence.

NOTE: Arrived at work with only two dings in the car. Oriental immigrants and old people need to be shown not to drive in the fast lane. You should have seen the face of that old fart when I shot out his blink–blink–blink–blinker.

NOTE: Formed a support group with some other Recovering Smokers. It's nice to know one is not alone, and there is strength in numbers. We designated a small corner of the Break Room as the Long–Term Nonsmokers' Area, claiming the rest for Withdrawing Smokers Only. After an enlightened member of our group mentioned that snacking helped to hold down the craving, we emptied all the machines in the building and were able to hijack a catering truck which stopped a half–block away.

NOTE: The rest of the workday was basically uneventful, although I never knew how fragile and easily breakable computers and FAX machines could be. And how readily my assistant is brought to tears by the slightest little twenty–minute screaming tirade. Oh, and I need to find out if it is illegal to leave obscene messages on VoiceMail.

NOTE: The checker at the Supermart on the way home had the nerve to tell me, "Have a nice day." I complained to the Manager of the store that she was placing an undue burden on me, and he promised it wouldn't happen again.

NOTE: The dog had the nerve to act glad to see me, but then sniffed around me until I realized he was withdrawing from my smoking, too. I gave him some Doggie Yummie–Treats, and realized for the first time that my refrigerator really didn't hold very much food, and it all tasted funny.

NOTE: Had strange dreams all night. Was walking a pack of camels over the desert sands for miles along the railroad tracks, searching for a cough in a carload when I spotted a sign which informed I had come a long way. Gee, thanks.

NOTE: Don't try to wear frilly or lacy white blouses until you get used to dealing with the tobacco juice. Use waterproof makeup in case it runs down your chin. Of all the chews, the dog likes Red Man the best.

NOTE: Traffic congestion has really gotten out of hand during the commute times. I think I'll order a car with machinegun–mounts like James Bond's. Oh, and wraparound bumpers.

NOTE: Boss smiled and said, "Good morning." I explained sweetly, "That's a filthy lie! Don't you know how it helps the Enemy when you spread baseless rumors like that!??!"

NOTE: Found a good black–market source for nicotine patches (don't want treatment for smoking to appear on medical records), and they reduce the cravings for tobacco. To keep my hands busy, I've found the most adorable little bullwhip. It's a tiny replica of the one that Indiana Jones uses, just four feet long, and supple.. ssoooo.. supple... and dangerousss–loooking... (gulp). And with practice, I bet I could pick flies out of the air...

NOTE: The people at the Chinese Buffet at lunch were very rude. They advertise 'All you can eat,' then insist you sit at a table rather than eat at the buffet line, knowing that wastes valuable eating time. Everyone takes advantage.

NOTE: When I came back from lunch, found seventeen cartons of cigarettes, each wrapped differently, as well as a sign above my desk: DESIGNATED SMOKING AREA. I take this as a sign from my co–workers that I may have been a mite peckish of late. In the course of the afternoon, I received four tobacco–grams and a box of smuggled Havana Panatelas (Quite good, actually. It's a shame about the embargo, anyway).

NOTE: Having proved the point that I can stop smoking easily anytime I want to, I'll just settle back into my routine until I really want to.

(c) jet___FEATURES__
This article may be quoted with proper attribution/credit. Payment is welcomed from for–profit publications.

About the Author:

Janice E. Terry . . . Journalist: nominated, 1977 LA Press Club Award for Panama Canal Story. Humorist, Columnist, Commentator: wrote paid Editorial/Opinion for the Houston Post; Guest Editorials (conservative) for many newspapers. Wrote Column, ALL I KNOW IS WHAT I SEE IN THE MEDIA by W.T. Potus, for the Bay Area Tribune and the North Galveston County Weekly News, 1994–1996.

jet___ is "a ruthless and heartless Editor, always striving for clarity...and...a genuine Lover of the English Language, dedicated to clear and concise communication". She is Manager/Owner of MBA Services–Clear Lake Business/Industrial Writing Service (in the NASA/Petrochem/Industrial part of Houston), 15 years. In addition, she is a Business Writer/Copywriter/Techwriter/Marketing Consultant;Internationally recognized Expert on Executive/Technical/Professional Resumes; knowledgeable writer for Aerospace/Petro–Chem/Hi–Tech/Energy; recognized Consultant on Business Plans/Proposals.

jet___ is bilingual in English and Spanish and frequently does Spanish to English translations for businesses.

2005. In memoriam. jet__ (Janice), we shall miss you.

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©Margie Culbertson

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