The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

April '98 Humor Writing Contest
Best Very Short Humor!

If Dr. Seuss Wrote Seinfeld


Matthew Hollett

Seinfeld's on! Yippee! Hurray!
That catchy music starts to play.

Jerry's buzzer makes a din.
"It's George! I'm here! I'm coming in!"
"Okay" says Jerry without fail.
"Remember to bring up my mail."

George strolls in, he's got big news.
"I've got a job at Parkin's Shoes!"
"That new place opened down the street?"
"Yes!" says George "Isn't it great?"
(Oops! That rhyme was pretty loose.
I'm not as good as Dr. Suess.)

In slides Kramer, hair and all.
This time he slips, and down he fall!
George and Jerry only stare.
"Kramer, what has happened here?"

"It's these shoes!" the K–man talks.
"The grips are gone. They're just like socks!"
"I think," says George without delay,
"I think you need new shoes today."

"I have just the ones for you
They're green with spots of red and blue
And best of all they have these cleats
To dig in as you walk the streets."

"I will buy them"
Kramer votes.
The two begin
to don their coats.

Then Jerry says with
routine wit
"I do not like your
plan one bit.
I do not like it
in New York.
I do not like it –
it won't work.
I do not like your hare–brained schemes.
I do not like them, so it seems."

"Who cares what you think" George says madly.
"Kramer needs these shoes quite badly."
The phone is ringing as they go.
Jerry picks it up. "Hello?"

"Hello Jerry, this is Kate.
Are we going on that date?"
"Of course." says Jerry. "I can't wait.
I'll pick you up at ten to 8."

He hangs up fast. "What have I done?
That woman's about 8 foot one!
She's much too tall. So I'll conceive
A way to make her quickly leave."

Commercial break! You're sure to see
Some Got Milk? ads on your TV.

Elaine is in the Restaurant.
The waitress asks "What do you want?"
"One big salad, nicely tossed.
Make sure the cook's hands are washed."

George comes in and then he meets
Kramer (who is wearing cleats).
"Hip or what?" he asks Elaine.
She says "Kramer, you're insane."

Jerry enters and sits down.
On his face is a big frown.
"I need a plan. I need one fast.
I need one to make this my last
Date with Kate. She's 8 feet tall.
She makes me look so very small."

"I know" says George. "You need to buy
Some shoes to make you very high.
You'll be huge, and give Kate then
A taste of her own medicine."

"What have I got left to lose?"
Says Jerry. "I'll buy platform shoes."
"Get out!" Elaine says, pushing Jerry.
"Sometimes you guys really scare me."

Now we must sum up the show.
As I'm sure you all must know,
Stupid mishaps leave the four
Exactly as they were before.

That's the way it always goes
On Seinfeld and most other shows.
I guess I'd better go and spend
My time on something else. The End.

©Matthew Hollett

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