The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

April/May '99 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!

Junkfood Jenny


Gerry O'Brien

Junkfood Jenny died today. It was really no surprise.
She hadn't had a vitamin,
Since the day that she turned five.

Here's to Jenny the junkfood queen.
A walkin', talkin' sugar machine.
Those aren't beachballs, them's her cheeks.
A hero to all the sweet–toothed freaks.
She lived every schoolkids' dream
On the sugar–eaters all–star team.

On August fifth in '92,
Jenny made up her mind.
She would eat just goodies and sweets
And leave everything else behind.

"Keep all of your liver and vegetable stew.
I don't wanna know nutrition.
If it doesn't have a ton of sugar,
Then save your ammunition."

Her parents decided to go along,
"She's just going through a phase."
But after sugar for sixteen weeks,
She had them in a daze!

Donuts and chocolates
Down the hatch,
Cookies and cupcakes
By the batch.

Candy canes, carmels
And Crackerjacks,
Family sized sugar pies
Just for snacks.

Ice cream and cola,
Hip hip hooray!
Banana split fudge
To start the day.

Take the taffy,
Give the apple to Jake.
Eat the icing,
Skip the cake.

Betty Crocker was her idol,
"That lady is a saint!
Gotta have a cake a day,
Or I will surely faint."

A poster of the Easter Bunny
Was framed upon her wall,
"You only show up once a year
But I still think you're a doll!"

Her mother sent her off to school
With a lunch as good as you'll see.
Carrots, grapes and cheddar cheese,
As healthy as can be.

But Junkfood Jenny was nobody's fool,
She played "let's make a deal."
She traded everything she brought
For an icky gooey candy meal.

The teacher said, "No food in class!"
Jenny thought, "No way!"
She bought a box of candy crayons
And sucked on them all day.

Now Jenny began to pay the price

"Cause nothin's ever simple.
Her skin became all itchy red
And her head became a pimple!

Her teeth began to wobble and jerk
And they started turning black.
Her gums couldn't even hold them in
From the weight of all the plaque.

Her weight shot up to a quarter ton.
Floors screamed beneath the load.
She popped just one last jellybean


The neighbours all helped to gather her up.
The pieces weren't worth countin'.
They buried her in the foothills
Of the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

So here's to Jenny the junkfood queen.
A walkin' talkin' sugar machine.
Those aren't beachballs, them's her cheeks.
A hero to all the sweet toothed freaks.
She lived every schoolkid's dream
On the sugar–eaters all–star team.

© 1999, Gerry O'Brien

About the author: 

Gerry O'Brien writes humorous chapter books, stories, poems, and plays forthe 8–12 year olds he has been teaching for the past 20 years. About 10years ago when he first decided to write a play for his class, his studentssaid, "Make it funny!". Their laughter has been inspiration and motivationever since. He lives in Prince Edward Island, Canada with his wife Lorettoand son Ben. He works as a substitute teacher and devotes the rest of histime to writing. His humorous poems, stories and plays for children haveall been prize winners in the PEI Literary Awards. He has twice been awardedprizes in the Atlantic Writing Competition sponsored by The Writers'Federation of Nova Scotia...most recently in 1998 for his chapter book"Bubba Begonia and The Mudmen of The Koola Boola". He is actively seeking apublisher for his books.

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