The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

August/September "02 Humor Writing Contest Winner
Best Very Short Humor!

Deadbeats Cause Decline in Record Sales


Edward Ellsworth

Although though the once corrupt and powerful Napster has been crushed, a new evil known as Morpheus has risen to torment the kind souls of goodly record executives. As record sales continue to decline, the Recording Industry Association of America is franticly looking for a solution.

Ungrateful music fans of the early 80's nearly destroyed the music industry with their gluttonous home taping on newly invented cassette recorders. Some credit the arrival of MTV with saving the music business, but the truth is that without the invention of CDs thousands of artists would have surely starved to death. When consumers were unable to record their own CDs at home, the recording industry was free to set prices of records at whatever they needed to cover expenses, and pay the modest salaries of the artists and everyone else involved in record producing.

On more than one occasion I have heard people complaining that CDs are too expensive, and the high prices are the cause of declining record sales. This is clearly the rationalization of chronic deadbeats who feel they should never have to pay for anything. The fact is that affluent people. furthermore known as "the wealthy", are responsible for 98% of all record sales. Crooks, Neanderthals, and deadbeats make the other 2% of purchases.

Lets look at a basic breakdown of how record companies make money.

Step 1:  Produce records.

Step 2:  Distribute records to retail outlets.

Step 3:  Wealthy people buy records.

Step 4:  Crooks break into the houses and cars of the wealthy and steal their records.

Step 5:  Repeat steps 3 and 4.

The loop of transactions created by steps 3 and 4 are crucial to the profitability of record companies. The price of CDs clearly cannot affect the volume of sales, because wealthy people never even look at price tags. Price tags are for regular people.

Some people never have enough for CDs. This is why they steal them from those who do. The decline in record sales is a result of two factors:  online file sharing, and the increasingly user–friendly nature of computers. When computers became simple enough for the inferior minds of the crooks, the Neanderthals began stealing them to look up porn. When the Neanderthals finally passed out from excessive use, their spouses took their turn on the computer and discovered file swapping.

This discovery has caused a dramatic reduction in records being stolen from the wealthy. The wealthy no longer need to replace their CDs every month, and this is causing the woeful decline in record company profit margins. File sharing has removed the need of crooks to steal music from the wealthy. They now only steal the computers of the wealthy. The computers allow them to view pornography for free and steal music, all from the comfort of their own homes.

The simple minds of crooks, the mongrels, the deadbeats, cannot understand what they are doing. They foolishly live for the present and give no thought to a potentially silent tomorrow. The recording industry must find a solution to this problem quickly, or the day the music dies may soon come.

©Edward Ellsworth


I was created in the basement of a mad scientist somewhere outside a small town in Oregon. I recently escaped and relocated to southern Florida with my long time girlfriend. I have had a passion for writing ever since high school, but never really had the time or motivation to develop my skills. An extended stint of unemployment upon arriving in Florida gave me the time I needed, and being so poor that my girlfriend and I had to eat nothing but rice and grilled cheese sandwiches gave me the motivation I needed.

I am working now, putting all of my literary skills to good use as a stock–boy for a very large and well–known retail establishment, and I spend all my free time trying to sanitize my disgusting cockroach infested apartment and writing for and working on my web site:  http: // .

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©Margie Culbertson

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