The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

"First Place" in the Best "Very Short"Humor!
October/November 1999 Contest

Christmas Card Letter


Linda Calder

Dear Friends and Relatives,

Time again to send out the old Christmas cards to wish everyone a merryChristmas. I thought I would catch everyone up on our news for theyear.

Pa had a job for almost two days this year. He lost it when he hit hisboss with the whiskey bottle. His boss didn't charge him so he didn't have to go to jail this time. Course if he had gone to jail he mighthave been company for young Elmer. Elmer (our youngest) doesn't reallylike jail even though he gets to eat real good while he's there. Hekeeps saying he's too pretty to be in jail with all those men.

Young Mable went and got herself married again. She's done real wellfor a girl of twenty. Three husbands already. This last one has beenreal helpful on the farm so far (so long as we can keep him away fromPa's moonshine).

Our Cindy had another baby this year. That gives her two boys and agirl. Pa thinks it would be nice to meet the Daddy of one of herbabies. If she keeps having babies like this she'll have six by thetime she's Mable's age. Poor old Mable doesn't even have one yet.

Harry left the farm after he got the job in the bank. He is living onthe other side of town but he keeps forgetting to tell us where he is sowe can visit him. He's so different from the others. Working full timein a respectable job and all. None of us really understand him.

The rest of the boys have been in jail a few times. Mostly just for aday or two to sober up. They hardly ever lose fights anymore. Pa's real proud of them.

The bank has been trying to repossess the farm but so far Pa and theboys have kept them away. They hardly had to fire any shots at thoseold bankers.

Most of the cows and chickens died this summer. We ate real good for abit but we don't know what we will do for food now. The roof of thebarn fell on them. Course Pa forgot to pay the insurance.

We won't be having a turkey this year on account of we can't affordone. If we had one we couldn't cook it. Pa didn't pay the electricbill so we can't use the stove.

Have a real nice Christmas.



©Linda Calder

I'm a 53 year old retired teacher. I write because I enjoy it. In addition, I do all sorts of crafts and woodturning when I get a chance. I'm also intophotography, especially close–ups of things like flowers. I volunteer at our local museum where I take pictures, help in the garden and do tours or whatever else they need me to do.

I'd like to be a published writer but I'm not really much of a sales person with regard to getting it published (any volunteers?). As well as humour, I like to write for children and when the mood strikes, I also write poetry.
(Margie writing a 2008 update:     In addition to being a writer Linda is an incredibly talented designer. You can see her work at New England Fine Living.

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