The Humor and Life, in Particular Web site
author:  Margie Culbertson

Guest Writers' Humor

Million Redneck March


Ben Baker

Million Marches are all the rage with political activists around the country these days. It seems that someone is always planning, having or loudly complaining about their numbers being under counted in a Million Whatever March.

These marches haven't done a damn thing except to garner headlines that screamMILLION MARCH MASSES IN MALL! The problem is, these folks doing the marches don't have enough of whatever it takes to get their point across.

I do. More to the point me and mine do.

The Million Redneck March will take place just as soon as someone gives me directions to Washington DC and I can round up a sufficient number of rednecks to register on the CNN Washington–Political–Rally–Activist–Head–Cam.

If all my extended family shows up we might qualify.

We'll be marching for all the assorted things that we believe in and urging Congress to do whatever Congress has to do to ensure these continued rights. As best I can figure, Congress can best ensure the continuation of the rights I want by resigning en–masse and doing a lemming imitation in the Delaware River.

We demand...

1)   The Wild Turkey be named the national bird. Ben Franklin petitioned for this as this nation was being formed, saying no other wild bird is so intelligent and wary. Really. He called the bald eagle a thief, which it is.

2)   Hound dogs and bird dogs be afforded a protected species status. Small dogs, also known as automatic barking machines, ankle biters and 4–legged footballs will be banned from homes where any occupant is younger than 60 years of age.

3)   Ham steak be a health food. Ham steak, collards, baked sweet potatos, fried cornbread and homemade peach ice cream will become the official meal. Fried chicken may be substituted on Mother's Day.

4)   Quart size Mason and Bell jars be considered adequate glasses for dinner when company comes over.

5)   People who do not say Ma'am, Sir, Mister, Thank You and Please be kneecapped.

6)   The right to keep and bear arms be expanded to include the use of low–yield nuclear weapons for serious wild hog hunters.

7)   The frame of all vehicles be raised a minimum of two feet off the ground.

8)   Zoning restrictions for mobile homes be eliminated. Permanently.

9)   Livestock be considered acceptable wedding gifts.

10)   People from Georgia and Arkansas be permanently banned from running for President, unless the person is Sam Nunn.

11)   Beer be a health drink.

10)   Classical music orchestras include a pack of hounds chasing and treeing a coon cause there ain't no sweeter music the world.

12)   Bear Bryant's picture be put on $100 bills.

13)   Million Marches that do not reach the 1 million marchers mark must be re titled "A bunch of folks who had nothing better to do than march in Washington and dramatically and briefly increase the personal fortune of hundreds of pickpockets."

14)   Al Gore be given a reality check.

15)   28 gauge shotguns be banned.

©Ben Baker

ABOUT Ben Baker:
Ben Baker, the official intellectual genius writer for the new millennium (which begins Jan. 1, 2001), has a host of issues to present to congress if he ever gets there, which is not likely since Washington appears to be north of Macon, GA. Baker has a severe allergy to snow, politicians and lawyers and plans to one day run like hell *AWAY* from political office.

Y'all come see him his real estate site


Ben Baker online.

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©Margie Culbertson

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